MATT GAETZ’S FACE
MATT GAETZ’S FACE
MATT. GAETZ’S. FACE. I DON’T CARE IF IT’S SHALLOW. LET ME HAVE THIS.
I struggled with what to write this week. The news has been so bad. So daunting.
And then, a comet in the shape of Matt Gaetz’s face streaked past. Inspiration, in the form of a gorgeous, stretched out, gleaming swipe of sunless tanner and personal ooze.
Look, I don't know who cleared Matt Gaetz’s personal facial technician (mad scientist?) to do all that work, ply him with compliments, and then turn him loose upon the world, but brother you are a WARRIOR.
Thank you for your service.
In fact, funny enough, just prior to seeing his face, I was explaining to my *shocked* mother that yes, in fact, I do get a wee dose of Botox every three months, directly onto my elevens. She was flummoxed. And then there it was: A Botox Worst Case Scenario that crisply answered the question, how much is too much?
The Lord provides.
Except in the form of JD Vance who scares the hellllllllll out of me.
Things that made me mad this week, I’ll just go ahead and list a few of them for you.
A horrible act of political violence, in which people were killed and/or injured, and a saint was made of the least worthy man in America.
This horrible act did not in any way lead to a realistic or thoughtful conversation about gun violence, as we knew it wouldn’t, just like always. People should not have easy access to weapons of war, I know, I know, everyone has stopped reading this sentence already because America.
This horrible act of violence has had a chilling effect on proper coverage of Donald Trump who had a close call but is fine. His record merits full time scrutiny and can we keep it moving please.
Joe my GOD. Speaking of keeping it moving.
Is it too soon to say this? But Trump’s ear bandage makes him look like he fell asleep at his desk and got a business card stuck to the side of his face. Maybe it’s too soon. STAND DOWN SAMANTHA.
My mother says it looks like a sugar packet.
We both agree that it looks like he dozed off onto a pile of wrapped mini pads.
This week’s Choice Words features the hilarious Paul Scheer – who I just so thoroughly enjoyed talking to??? I feel like we have circled each other for sooooo long. I LOVED talking to him about growing up as latchkey kids. SO many of the dangerous things we experienced in our supervision-free existences were casually dismissed by our parents. For example, one time I went to the basement apartment of a man I had just met on a bus, after I told him I was a professional flute player! Ooops a chill just went up my spine! I’m so lucky to be alive!
And this feels important!
I will be doing a book event for Gretchen Whitmer in DC on July 30th. Yes, technically it is sold out, but that doesn’t mean you can’t ask me questions for her in the comments and I will pass them along to her.
For example, ONE QUESTION IS KIND OF ON MY MIND RIGHT NOW.
The RNC is a nightmare, and I am distraught that the comedy shows decided not to go. Um, what was that about Mamaw being too frail to move, but having access to 19 loaded guns? HOW CAN I ACHIEVE CATHARSIS. There are so many dumb big hats on my television screen right now, and people moving unrhythmically to bad music and I have no one to report on this. It would have been ok, OK?
I was reminded of Joe Biden’s Corn Pop story and I just felt the need to clear the air.
Watching Don Jr speak at the RNC reminded me of all the gents who don’t know or care to know how to please a woman. Just a coincidence I’m sure.
Xo
Sam
Sam, thank you for this. I needed a laugh to get me through another day of this sh!tshow. I hope it helps you as well.
Excellent piece, thanks. I cracked up at the dolls: "You are scaring all the dollies, Matt."