The Late, Great Hannibal Lecter

When my cat (and country) are more Stephen King than Looney Tunes

One of my cats is a scary murderer. A Night Terror, a destroyer of (mouse) worlds, a rodent liquidator.

Not to get too graphic and believe me I could, this week Jerry killed four mice in one night and left their heads for me, scattered about. I am not squeamish, and yet, one never expects to start the day collecting disembodied heads with a paper towel. Jerry was extremely excited, but also slightly sluggish, what with all the mouse meat in his belly. For clarification, we have a house in the country, which equals mice. Congratulations, you have a home in the country! Well, you also run a mouse hostel now so get used to it.

He is also learning to read. Dangerous!

Of course, since we’re on the subject of serial killers famous and otherwise, I am called to remember the late, great, Hannibal Lecter. Sorry, I forgot to say fictional. That last one is fictional.

I watched the clip and didn’t know whether to laugh or throw up. I know it’s a really big story today that our two (le sigh) presidential candidates (ugh) are going to be (fuuuuuuck) debating, but I am not looking forward to it, and once again, cannot imagine being a person for whom a staged debate would really “settle it.”

Prediction: fisticuffs? Stratospheric heights of awkwardness? A full body cringe that initiates in the genitals but ends with me fully coiled on the floor like a spanakopita.

Yum!

I wish for this, and yet it will not happen. Please please let Joe Biden find the perfect moment to say something like, “do you need a sec? I think you might have soiled yourself.” Not only would this be perfectly emblematic of where we are today politically, but would also mercifully end the debate within four seconds. 

I always wonder who these debates are meant for, what they really accomplish. And then I read this headline which reminded me that debates are, I guess, for the six people in America who haven’t made up their minds yet, but also seem to know nothing. And for TV networks and their bottom lines. And advertisers, of course, can’t forget them. And for the memory of when things felt structured and slightly normal. Is that why we are having a debate? So that we can pretend we aren’t all shambling about in the wilderness looking for a hero?

Also WHAT. 

12% of polled Democratic voters think that Joe Biden helped overturn Roe??? 

Like how much advertising or robocalling would you need to do to sway these voters, and would it even work? Could anything work? I can answer that. No. Everybody just does their best, I think, and then it’s a roll of the dice. Which way did the wind blow that day?

It doesn’t matter to me, anyway. Everybody knows I stan for RFK Jr. and his li’l brain worm.

JKJK MY GOD.

And really, when do we retire polling? Though it certainly gives us something to talk about and agonize over, every poll should have a caveat attached. “The people polled here were contacted by phone. Like they answered their actual phones. This alone is suss. Do not listen to these answers. These answers are meaningless. I repeat: we called them and they picked up, and no one does that unless they are hoping to be polled, and that is just plain weird.” 

I both do NOT want to go to the conventions and desperately DO want to go to the conventions. Two of my most cherished collaborators pitched to me that some news organization should send me to the conventions *just* to review the food at those places, which is generally, the pits. This would be a great way to talk about politics. Politics against the backdrop of wet turkey wraps from a pop up food kiosk. Fitting. Call me up.

Before you leave me here, wistfully recalling a three day diet of Cheezits and Coke, RNC Tampa 2012, please be sure to check out our fantastic catalog of episodes on your favorite podcast, Choice Words. It helps us tremendously if you like and subscribe! I love doing it, so I am pleased to say that we are coming back for a second season very shortly, and can’t wait to share with you all the great guests we have coming up. I will have Jerry on. He should be verbal by then.

Xoxo,

Sam