Very Rich Bedbugs

The longevity of the obscenely wealthy.

There is nothing more instantly sobering to me than the word “bedbugs”. 

I can be in the thrall of almost any emotional state; from sputtering anger, to inconsolably sobbing, to frantically shoving tuna packets into my nuclear bomb Go Bag*, and if you look into my eyes and say the word “bedbugs,” all will stop. 

I will fix my gaze upon you. 

Together we will picture bedbugs. 

The space between my ears will be as empty as a dry conch shell. 

When Full Frontal existed, we used to cover heavy topical stuff, and sometimes it would make me emotional. Never wanting to cry, I’d struggle to squirt out the words and make them make sense, without making it about ME, being so emotional. One of my Executive Producers would simply deadpan from across the room “bedbugs.”

IT WORKED EVERY TIME.

Anyway, Paris is being overrun with bedbugs, so…I am very calm right now?

Invoking that same sobering, empty sensation was the experience, this week, of watching footage of Elon Musk at the southern border. Wherein, the fearless leader of X, put his dork-ass cowboy hat on backwards and went to the Texas border to do a citizen journalism.

I saw it, and for a moment, all was still. I heard the sea. Then my brain caught up.

For in Texas, one of the richest men in the world stood in the presence of some of the most vulnerable people in the world, to level his judgment upon them, and then, just for shits and giggles, went to shoot a 50 caliber weapon into the desert later in the day. Just out there cosplaying as a rootin’ tootin’ sheriff, shooting a weapon no one should have, like a fucking clown, in the presence of folks who had to carry their babies on their backs to escape actual terror.

To which I say a hearty Fuck You.

Obviously he ruined Twitter. Obviously he delights in platforming the worst people in the world in the name of free speech. Obviously he thinks he is being provocative. And obviously it is horrible to observe him so deeply ENJOYING people’s hatred of his provocations. Of course he is goddamned shameless with his own terrible, and toxic opinions. And it is hideous how much power and control multiple governments have acquiesced to this person, with zero oversight. 

My GOD I am so sick of very rich men, so truly sick of Very Rich Men thinking that they and they alone can fix things. I am so sick of that belief that being rich equals “every one of my ideas is great”.

Also, aren’t the people of Texas just so thoroughly done with him? 

Not that everything needs to be about gender, because of course it doesn't, but honestly…it’s hard to think of a female founder who is like “well now that I have invented an original and very successful type of shapewear, let me dabble in Immigration Policy.”

“I once made a billion dollars smoothing people’s thigh puckers, so let my FIRST priority be advising governments, and my NEXT, conquering space.”

Like I have not once heard the Spanx lady declare that she can either fix an intractable societal issue, or that she wants to be immortal.

Because you damn well know that all these tech dudes want that as well.

All those Silicon Valley tech guys just pouring money into their little longevity/life extension foolishness, gobbling turmeric capsules by the dozens, and measuring their Real Brain Age.

Last week I shared an article about the tech guy who affixed a little doo dad to his penis so that he could measure the intensity of his nighttime erections? I am not sure. I couldn’t read past the words “erection tracker.” In any case they all seem to believe that death is for chumps? 

Anyway, chumps like me know that…none of these things are going to work out for them. And we are all confused when Very Rich People begin to believe that they are Gods, dispensing their quote unquote wisdom via fucked up memes on X.

It's pretty obvious that all those tech dudes pursue eternal life because they all know that if reincarnation is real, they are bound to come back as street rats. 

Don’t drag me into this?

You simply cannot make that kind of dough and expect to continue it in the afterlife, no matter what you believe. If you had a billion in THIS life, there’s no way you are coming back for round two in the next.

They have to make this one last forever.

This week on the pod I speak with Kerry Washington and OMGGGGGGGGGGGG. Dream convo.

Next week you will find me in Vancouver! San Francisco! Los Angeles!

Followed by two nights in my hometown of Toronto, Canada! Pittsburgh, then Detroit. 

Get ready for me Sister Pie. I SHALL be seeing you.

* Please let me know in the comments if you would like to know what is in my Nuclear Bomb Go Bag. Yes, it is bonkers. It also weighs about one hundred pounds, and I can’t lift it. Thanks for coming out.