No Thank You

How do we cancel this straight to series pilot?

Happy Monday, remember when political comedy was fun?

Remember when Marco Rubio drank a bottle of water in a funny way, and we laughed and laughed?

Nobody is laughing anymore.

The soul has left the building.

Let me get this straight. We are now…accusing Ukraine of starting the war in which they were invaded, publicly chastising its courageous President after having attempted to extort him, and going full bore on “hey man, Putin’s got a point, you’re the problem!” And why have you not thanked and kissed the ring of King Trump for insulting you?

I don’t like this tv show at ALL. I don’t buy it, the plot’s too weird. What was everybody snorting when this got pitched?

I thought our stupid idiot president ceased to develop intellectually after 1985, when Rocky Balboa finally defeated Ivan Drago?

Standing up to Russia is a key plot point for ALL people left stuck in that era.

Why do we keep flouting that one core principle of the 80’s mindset, when in every other way our president thinks he’s still disco dancing at Studio 54??? Sorry I meant to say, getting rejected by all the cool people at Studio 54.

Ughhhhhh.

Also, let’s not forget that Zelensky actually STANDS UP TO PUTIN. Why would anyone think he’d automatically jump up to lick Donald Trump’s ice cream cone to make things easier for himself? Obviously, he wouldn’t. Unlike Marco Rubio, Secretary of Being a Drip.

Marco Rubio was this close to being an adult. Close, and yet so far, with his weakness and acquiescence. His ill fitting suit and his obvious gastric distress.

He had a real chance of seeming like a founding father next to all the other tits making up Trump’s cabinet. Oh well.

I implore you to read this article about Kash Patel’s first days on the job, and I dare you not to deeply consider selling everything you own to trade it in for a Golden Visa in Portugal.

Pounding energy drinks and compelling lifetime law enforcement officers to do UFC training?

The alligators in THIS swamp are as stupid as fuck.

(Dear Lord: please don’t let this grand human experiment end because some soulless reality show president gathered up a bunch of aggrieved grifters and cast them on the teevee show playing in his brain.) This is NOT great television.

Oh great, here come some MORE grifters, more enabled than ever.

This book is GOOD. I got the audio version and I listen to it in the car to get upset while driving!

It really made me stop and think about all the people serving in this administration who feel trapped and sad and have regrets that they enabled this to occur.

I mean first off, fuck you forever, and secondly fuck you beyond forever, and into your eternal life. Is this..clear? Is this…Christian? It might be now, actually, no one seems to have a real grip on that anymore.

It’s like alllll these people got a big fat tattoo across their faces that felt like such a good idea at the time–but will scar them forever. They’ll all be on their d-beds one day thinking “gosh I really was on the wrong side of history” and that will be for them to explain to their Lord. Good luck with that. Reminder: He cares about refugees and such.

After I think these pleasant thoughts, I listen to kaiju music for a while to scrub myself clean, I swear to you. The worse this administration gets, the more I need my Spotify to take a pipe cleaner to my brain.

OK, what was nice this week?

1. I got a Fascia Counterstrain treatment that literally changed my life, undid approximately seven years of near constant shoulder pain, and removed distinct knots from my neck that I had come to think of as family? I had never heard of this before, and hoo boy did it ever do something for me. If anyone would like to talk about Frozen Shoulder, I am here at all times of the day and night to discuss - especially in a town near you, more on that later. LMK if I should do an entire side Substack about it, because Jesus H it has ruled my life for a long time, and only now can I see the light.

2. That was it, that was the only nice thing.

Heads up. My Audible version of How to Survive Menopause drops on March 6th. I’ll post links on my Instagram as soon as it’s live - please enjoy!

I shall also be GOING OUT ON TOUR to talk about this IN PERSON and literally stand in a moment of community with all of you. And yes, to further discuss how Frozen Shoulder and other symptoms, I had no idea were even invented, were the perpetual Road Runner to my Coyote. You can find all cities and tickets here. Minneapolis, thank you in advance for selling out two back-to-back nights.

That’s it, that’s the plan. Be in rooms with like minded, caring people who want to laugh and feel alive. All together now!

Two podcasts to draw your attention to. I chatted with the first elected Gen Z member of Congress, Representative Maxwell Frost, on a new Choice Words which left me helpful and - again - searching for The Substance IRL to find a more energized youthful version of myself … not for vanity but for pure stamina. Joanna and I also covered an array of topics on this week’s The Daily Beast podcast including an interview with Michael Wolff on his new book/my road rage soundtrack.

Welcome to March!

Xoxo,

Sam