O Canada

Pencils down. Elbows up!

Hello Friends,

Sad to wake up today to news of The Pope’s death and glad to learn that his final gesture on this Earth was to correct JD Vance on his debauched understanding of what Jesus stood for.

Love the Pope, hate the Pope, whatever you think of Catholicism, its teachings could not be more clear: treat the people who have the least with the most dignity and the most compassion.

For Catholics like JD Vance and company, their God is actually money, no matter what they say out loud, and watching them contort themselves to justify the actions of the Trump administration makes me physically ill. Jesus stood up for the poor and for refugees - that was like, his main thing - and where an individual stands on this tells me everything I need to know about them as a person, full stop.

The point is, nobody invite JD to the Conclave ok? We don’t want to know what kind of Pope he would personally want to conjure. I just heard Trump will attend the funeral and that’s bad enough.

I can’t with it, so I’m going to do a full 180, and welcome you to my Very Special Canadian Edition of Plan Bee, here by decree of His Majesty King Charles III, the newsletter equivalent of a delectable butter tart, recipe here.

About a month ago I solicited a few very thoughtful questions on the topic of Canada from all of you, my Dear Readers, and did you ever deliver.

If you didn’t send in a question but are curious about Canada anyway, I welcome you.

If you are curious about what it’s like to live in a country that doesn’t necessarily think or talk about Donald Trump on a 24/7 loop, stay tuned! (I mean of course everybody is talking about him right now, since his disgusting aggressiveness is torching centuries of cross border friendship and threatening both Canadian sovereignty and its economic well being. Hahaha I hate even typing out Donald Trump’s name! My loathing toward him is bottomless!)

I shall attempt to answer your questions with thought and care, but also - off the top of my head because - I think that’s sort of better and less pedantic? This also means that I might be wrong, please don’t correct me, I prefer to live in ignorance. And yes, I do also live mostly in the United States; currently a citizen of both countries, so yeah. I have thoughts.

Canada is about to elect a new Prime Minister on April 28th, after an official election season running 37ish days? That is how we do it: 37 to 51 days between the time they call an election until voting day, that’s the law. This is containment. This is the correct way to do it. Like we don’t actually have one continuous election season that lasts from thirty seconds after the conclusion of any given election into…forever?

In this one way, the system is superior, but guess what??

I believe in both systems of government equally when they are working well, emphasis on working well. Enough said.

The government of Canada normally tries to do something called “governing” and even though a lot of people end up piqued and grumbly, mostly we *accept* the *results* and *go back to simply existing in a country with a robust social safety net* as opposed to fundraising and horse racing and Vegas odds making on future candidates.

I am being a bitch already - wow we are like four sentences in.

When Justin Trudeau first decided to step aside as Prime Minister, it was widely believed that the leader of the Conservative Party (pugnacious career politician Pierre Poilievre) would easily win the majority vote. But NOW with Donald Trump’s threatening posture, the central question of this election will be “who is best equipped to deal with America’s Asshole President?” That’s not an officially government sanctioned way to speak about our asshole president.

I repeat: this is not to say that ONE system is BETTER THAN THE OTHER, ok? Let’s be clear. One system (Canada) I will give you, offers more dependability overall, *usually* prioritizes stability over extremity, and has greater predictability. Still, there are many bad decisions that get made, lots of political diversity and disagreement, and it can be sort of boring. ONE WOMAN’S OPINION. We have untouchable areas of accord such as: we should have healthcare (even though, in practical terms it has wildly varying levels of access) and a basic understanding that treating your cancer should not bankrupt you.

If it makes my American friends feel any better, Canadians also continuously disagree about funding for public television and radio, so that’s one core similarity. Fun!

The other system, however (America), offers excitement and engagement at higher levels (again, one woman’s opinion.) Higher stakes, operatic drama…and the possibility of electing one of the worst living people on earth as president (YAY we did it!)

OK on to questions.

Let’s get this oot of the way ok, because I get asked a lot of questions about milk in bags, and though unrelated to the topic at hand, I still think it’s important to clear the air.

I don’t know why and I don’t care to look it up, but yes we sometimes (but not always) buy milk in clear plastic bags, in some parts of the country but not all. WE ALSO HAVE CARTONS and jugs, if you prefer. Here is a good explainer.

This is what it looks like:

Nothing to fear.

You have to get a holder for the milk bag. They are inexpensive and widely available:

You snip off a corner of the bag and the milk pours out perfectly. The bags are efficient, store easily, and you can freeze them well. In MY family, we wash the bags out, dry them, and use them again and again instead of ziplocks, because we are pragmatic people, and why would we waste money on MORE plastic? No.

QUESTIONS:

Personal request: explain so it makes sense to Canadians and Americans why we still have a King. QE2 rocked; but it should have ended there. Asking for a friend, what is the proper pronunciation of Koo-Roo-Coo-Coo?

I don’t really know the answer to this question, except that it is sooooooo complicated to get rid of the King, and I think it would require changing the constitution, which would require almost complete unanimity across the country? Not easy, very time consuming, very expensive. There are so many other things to worry about, that summoning the political will to do this, would be challenging. The King has no role to play other than the symbolic, which has never held any mystery or delight for anyone I have ever known? So personally, I am THERE. Let’s DO THIS, people! WHO’S WITH ME????

Also, for your “friend”, this is how to say it.

Please explain how Canada is able to provide universal healthcare to all citizens, while spending fewer $ per person than the US, and having lower rates of infant mortality and maternal mortality.

The healthcare system is mostly funded via public tax revenues, and we do pay higher taxes to be sure. However, the service delivery is almost all non-profit, focused regionally, with each provincial government determining fee schedules and the federal government negotiating all drug prices, which keeps costs down.

So it’s quite centralized and administered universally, which tamps down chaos? And there is a massive focus on preventative care e.g. maternal health, infant health.

The healthcare system is not without its flaws - and I mean that - but in Canada you can’t really pay to get to the head of the line, and that is a cultural value that we largely share, and are proud of. I think this is the secret sauce.

We have internalized the political will to maintain this system and anyone who threatens to fuck it up, is mostly hated. Although we also love money in Canada, it isn’t necessarily the driving force behind all political decisions. Quality of life is prioritized. I know! Radical. Also Canada has fewer people, which is important to remember.

Canadians - did I get it right?

Why are so many Americans willfully ignorant about us up here? Not even intending to be insulting, but it feels they choose to believe stereotypes and portrayals through tv/media rather than doing their own research about us.

I have a controversial take here, straddling the border as I do. I actually think that Americans are quite generous with their opinion of Canada, and most of them just think of us as peaceful, tree loving northern neighbors who love hockey? Is that…false? I think they are mostly gently curious about Canada’s stability, and marvel at how clean we keep the public transit overall, which is valid.

Stereotypes exist for sure but…don’t Canadians…also stereotype Americans? *ducks to avoid shoe thrown at head* For the most part I kind of think that international borders invite stereotypes and critiques, such as the border between I dunno Italy and France? The chef at the Italian gas station thinks the chef at the French gas station is complete trash and vice versa. Meanwhile all the Americans and Canadians are like “EUROPEAN GAS STATIONS HAVE CHEFS” because our North American gas stations serve week old muffins shot through with rat droppings. Those are not chocolate chips, friends.

I don’t think this answers your question. As always I welcome anyone who wants to learn literally anything about the lived experience of someone from another country.

I will say this: many reasonable Americans have this weird expectation that everyone knows the words to their national anthem? We DON’T. I had to learn it, like a child, or like a person who did not grow up singing this song, ok???

On the flip side, many Canadians think our southern neighbors have the time to learn about their northern neighbors, when they really don’t. THEY ARE WORKING SO HARD TO AFFORD THEIR HEALTHCARE, I wish I was joking.

Speaking of stereotypes. Canadians speak - and type - in all various ways. My vowels shift constantly and I embrace it.

Talk about francophone Quebec culture with respect please : we’re not French ! Hell no

Francophone Quebec culture is the best, and it is completely distinct from France!

(Background: Canada is english/french bilingual but mostly people only speak French in the province of Quebec, a bit in the Maritimes, or in the capital city of Ottawa, where Parliament sits. I grew up in Ontario, where you take France french, not Quebecois french, which makes NO sense and I don’t know if that has changed.

This means that I don’t really speak french well, and cannot hold a conversation in Quebec really at all. If I am called to speak French, it’s best if I’m in a country where *insert name of language* OR French are widely spoken, but no english. I can have a passable conversation in a shared language with an immediate understanding by the other participant that I am basically illiterate. “My French is terribly ill, one thousand thank you’s. Still, I will to try.” “This meal is big and beautiful. Is this soup a pumpkin?”)

Quebecois do not in any way aspire to be from France, they have their own unique approach to the French language, their own distinct and amazing culture and traditions, delicious cuisine, and a rich-ass history. When I attended a bilingual university in Ottawa, my theater department was half french speaking, half english–but the french side was more cool and fun, and we all knew and accepted that as fact. If I recall correctly, they all thought of us, and called us “blockheads” because we were square, and they were correct to do so. They had more sex, their parties were more fun, and they spent much less time agonizing over the things *I* constantly worried about, such as “is my hair purple enough to attract a boy” and “has my pet lizard eaten enough?”

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Yes I had a pet lizard in college and of course I am embarrassed.

Did I answer anyone’s question here?

Thanks again to everyone who did submit a question or leave a comment. It gave me a lot to think about and ponder over, and I hope to tackle more Canadian/American relations soon. Truly, I love BOTH countries, my country of birth, and my chosen land.

I’d also like to whole heartedly - from the depths of my core - thank everyone in Chicago and Minneapolis, who came out to see (and sell out!) my new show How To Survive Menopause. This week I have shows in Boston (sold out) and Philadelphia; tickets are still available for Philly so gobble them up if you’re in the area and need a night of laughter and community. Next month I’ll be headed to Atlanta (low tickets!) and Nashville, so please check out those dates too if you’re interested. This show continues to shift and evolve thanks to every audience and it is JOYOUS. I’m not biased. It’s a fact. Hope to see all your beautiful faces as I tell my most embarrassing stories.

Last but not least, we have a great new episode of Choice Words featuring Isaac Mizrahi and a very spicy Daily Beast podcast coming out on Thursday in which I most likely continue ranting about what a shitty Catholic JD Vance is, but I haven’t recorded it just yet.

Xo

And yes, I will adopt you,

Sam

p.s. Canadian bacon is actually called peameal bacon in Canada, or back bacon - but we also have regular strip bacon and they are two different things. Both widely eaten, though peameal is very clearly better across every category of enjoyment.